Enceinte du coeur – Comment agir avec ces mamans?

J’ai trouvé un texte super intéressant aujourd’hui. Il est en anglais mais j’ai décidé de le poster pareil parce que je le trouve très bien écrit. Il parle principalement de comment agir et supporter les mamans enceintes dans leur cœur. C’est un peu ce que je voudrais dire à mes amis et ma famille… pas qu’ils ne me supportent pas, loin de là. Je trouve juste important que les gens comprennent que nous aussi on attend un enfant et qu’on a besoin de la même chose que les autres mamans enceintes de manière naturel.

Source : http://amyandholly.com/blog/other/adoption/expecting.php

What do you mean you're "expecting"?

That's right. I said we're expecting. Only thing is I don't know our due date. I can't count back to my last cycle for an answer. Yet here we are, expecting to one day bring another child into our home and family. See. There it is. That word. Expecting. But is it the same as being "pregnant?" Yes and no. But, I'd argue that it is more "yes" than "no."

Preparing to Welcome a Child Home - the New Pregnancy
Being an expectant parent when adopting isn't a wholly unique experience from being an expectant parent when physically pregnant. Preparations must be made. A bed, car seat, clothing, child care, a pediatrician, and many more things must be arranged in advance of the baby/child's arrival. Parents-to-be often read up on child care and parenting styles. If there are already children in the family, they must be told what is going to happen (well, it isn't a must, but look out if they aren't told and one day a baby comes to live in THEIR house!).
Where the two experiences differ is the timeline. Pregnancy (in the traditional sense) is a certainty - barring any complications. Nine months or so and baby arrives. Until then, everyone knows exactly where baby is. With Open Adoption, the actual time of arrival is less certain. Parents have no idea who their child will be or when the child will come home. Every phone call could be "the one." And that phone call could be about a birthmother who is seven months along, or already in labor.

When a family enters "the pool" in Open Adoption, or completes a dossier for International Adoption, what that means to the rest of the world is that they have made the decision to open their home to a child. It is similar to a couple deciding to start trying to get pregnant. That couple may not want to prepare for the arrival of their baby until they are actually pregnant. Most people don't. That is what the eight months of pregnancy is for (I know it's nine months, but you have to wait a bit to see if you're pregnant). And since no one can guarantee getting pregnant the first month out, many couples wait to tell friends and family of their "family planning" until pregnancy.

In Open Adoption, there is often no lengthy "pregnancy period" to look forward to. In some cases, parents are matched with birthparents before the baby is born. Even in these cases, the pregnancy period is only three months at most, with one to two months being more common. Sure, you can get a crib, clothes, a pediatrician, make child care arrangements/time off work in only a month. But what about the parents who get a call saying there is a birthmother at the hospital right now who wants to meet them? At 2AM?

For adoptive parents pursuing an Open Adoption, waiting to be matched with birthparents to begin preparing for the baby's arrival is never a recommended course of action. I am sure you can see why. So are "expectant" adoptive parents merely planning, or are they also "pregnant?" We associate pregnancy with actually carrying the baby as it grows in the mother's womb until it finally gets too big to live there and must come out and join the rest of the world. But if we look at what pregnant parents *do* while waiting for that child to join them in the outside world, we see that expecting adoptive parents do all the same things - barring the prenatal checkups, although some do gain weight! Even though there is no guaranteed timeline, adoptive parents in "the pool" or who have otherwise put themselves out in the world as wanting to share their home with a child, are in essence "pregnant." They are preparing to welcome a child into their home, hearts, and lives just like any parents who are going to give birth.

Supporting the Pregnant Adoptive Parent
The not knowing "when" is probably the hardest part of being an expectant adoptive parent. My favorite expression is from Adoption Author and Journalist, Lois Melina, "The Nebulous Future." It holds all the mystery and uncertainty that is the waiting in adoption. Waiting for something so wanted and so long in coming can be quite stressful. Add to that the constant but well meaning stream of family and friends asking, "Have you heard anything yet?", and the blood pressure rises a few dozen points. So therein lies my first bit of advice for family and friends of expectant adoptive parents: When they know something, they will tell you. No news is no news.

Second, expecting adoptive parents should be making at least minimal preparations. If you want to give them a shower or help out with baby purchases, but don't know what to get or when to get it, ASK. Like Big Bird says, "Asking questions is a great way of finding answers." Really. Yes, I'm quoting Big Bird. But, honestly, who better to ask if a gift or shower would be too soon than the expectant parents themselves? Some may want a shower while they wait. Others may want to wait until the baby comes home and have a "welcoming shower" instead. But what to get the parents who don't know the gender of their child-to-be? How do you know what colors to get? Not every couple preparing to give birth know the gender of their child, so do what you'd do in that case - yellow and green! Or go for pink and blue. And lavendar. And get trucks and butterflies and puppy dogs, too. Why do boys have to be blue trucks and girls pink butterflies? Just please not white. Have you SEEN the contents of a newborn's diaper?

Third, what would you do if one of your friends was physically pregnant? Would you take her/them out to lunch or dinner as a de-stressor? Would you offer to help with their other children to give them some time off? Would you let them know you'd make a few frozen meals when the baby arrived? You can do all those things for your friends/family who may be waiting to adopt. Ask general questions like, "How have you been doing lately?" and "Is there anything I can do for you?" Depending on the person, you may get, "Fine" and "Nothing, thank you," but your concern will be well received. You may, however, get an honest answer of, "Every time the phone rings I hit the ceiling!" so be prepared. Listen without offering advice, but rather offer help with whatever they feel you can do. We all know talking about life's stresses is often enough to alleviate them.

It is easy to postpone congratulating adoptive parents-to-be since the child-to-be isn't physically present. But adoptive parents need to know they have supportive family and friends just like any other expecting parents. Maybe more so because they are looking into "the Nebulous Future," which can be a daunting place. By letting them know you are there for them and excited about their growing family, you will be a treasured resource of emotional support.
Now I think I'll go learn some Lamaze breathing so I don't hyperventilate when we get "the call."

-AmyO